And then I girlboss a bit too close to the sun and take on too much, too fast again out of fear of failure or being left behind.Hey, Girlboss! You’ve been killing it, and we’ve noticed. That often leads to the urge to push myself to an unhealthy level. While I know this about myself and know in theory the same is true of others, it can be hard to remember when I see everyone else going abroad, graduating and starting new jobs. Social media isn’t often a measure of mood, or what’s going on in a person’s life. Likewise, while I’m contented, I’ll post a photo of the book I’m reading. If I’m feeling desperately lonely, I’ll post a photo of a flower. I know if I’m feeling dangerously depressed, I’ll post a photo of a hot chocolate topped with whipped cream and marshmallows. Even when I know other people go through things they don’t put online, and I know I don’t put the worst parts of my life online, I still see myself as a failure. We push our less favoured traits out of the frame and often only talk about failings once we’re through them and they become inspirational stories. Self-comparison is higher in an age where we’re constantly exposed to not only highly successful people online but a curated version of everyone, from celebrities to our peers. It was really comforting to hear people’s ages and not feel like I was so far behind. We’re all studying an Access To Higher Education Course, meaning everyone is aiming for university next year. When starting college, I found I was actually amongst the youngest in the class. I never feel I was enough for her or could be someone she would have been proud of. Being deprived of the validation and encouragement of my main caregiver led to me struggling to emotionally connect with my accomplishments. She stopped working with me after I became an adult, though she was still the first person I wanted to tell when I achieved, accomplished or tried for anything. I think this contributed to me feeling like I’m not good enough, as I was always comparing myself to a part of a person, who was also not disabled and was seventeen years older than me. Our relationship lacked the natural balance of struggles, failings, regrets and mistakes.
#GIRLBOSS TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN ORIGIN PROFESSIONAL#
I only ever knew her with a very one-sided professional view. The closest thing I had to a mother was my childhood social worker. I also feel part of this is that I was in Care, so have no parents. That research shows younger people place how much meaning their lives have on their plans, goals, hopes and dreams, which could be why I feel like a failure for not being able to say I’m a student? or I work in x, y, z. Those over sixty, tend to find meaning in their lives by reflecting on their experiences, accomplishments and mistakes and continuing the interests and relationships they’ve already formed. Having said this, those younger than sixty tended to find the meaning in life in their plans, goals and dreams, as well as their relationships for the future, meeting new people and having new experiences. Apparently, research found that both were equally meaningful.
In a podcast I was listening to recently, the host spoke about whether life became more or less meaningful with age. I felt as though I were a failure for not having a degree or career at twenty-two, nearly twenty-three. I wanted to get a headstart in my future career by volunteering before even starting studying the subject. However, slightly sabotaging this for myself, I simultaneously sent out a plethora of volunteering request forms. As my crisis and the urge to being girlbossing and get my life together reached a crescendo, I enrolled in college to study part-time, with the thinking behind this being that I didn’t want to overwhelm myself after not doing anything for so long. I briefly worked as a key worker during the third lockdown but in a business bearing the motto ‘hire them and fire them,’ consequently, I’ve been lost most of the year. Due to social and disability inequality, I was forced to quit university after the transition to online learning. Recently, this yoked together to create a new existential crisis with a focus on my career and education. I gained and lost so much and somehow will be spending my birthday nearly the exact same way I did last year. In fact, my 2021 turned out worse than my 2020, which we all know says a lot. Between Tik Tok playing this every few seconds, rewatching The Bold Type (no spoilers but perhaps a certain achievement by Jane Sloan in season 4 involving her age) and my birthday approaching (several years younger than Jane Sloan though), I’ve been struggling with my lack of achievement. Listen, I can’t give any more information but I fear I may have girlbossed a bit too close to the sun.
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